Published: 29.12.2025
I set the timer for 31 minutes today. Near the end of the session, I started feeling restless because a thought came up that I might not have actually switched the timer on, and that I would not know when the session was supposed to end. I tried to ignore it for a while, but eventually I opened my eyes to check. There were 50 seconds left. It felt like a small and very predictable form of overthinking, showing up right at the finish line.
At the start of the session, my heartbeat was noticeably fast. I had been moving continuously before sitting down - gym, shower, physiotherapy lined up one after another, and meditation squeezed in between. What surprised me was how quickly the body responded once I started breathing slowly. Within a few minutes, my heartbeat settled. There is clearly something about the breath that directly calms the nervous system - it seems incredibly simple (even though the biological mechanism is most certainly quite complex).
There was a lot of mental chatter today, but none of the drowsiness I sometimes experience. On other days, I slip into a strange half-dream state where my head drops and I jolt back up again. That did not happen today, which I prefer.
Most of the thoughts were about planning. I kept returning to a four-day personal training I have signed up for, and trying to figure out the right schedule for it. I realised how strongly the mind holds onto unresolved decisions. They behave like small open loops, taking up space in the background. The more important the decision feels, the heavier it seems to sit, and the more often it resurfaces.
I also noticed a recurring pattern in a couple of recent interactions, where I chose not to engage due to some form of fear. In both cases, the situation itself was harmless, but something held me back. That hesitation seems tied to a belief about how well I ask questions or articulate thoughts. Instead of engaging and seeing what happens, I hesitate. That hesitation feels automatic.
I do not yet know what to do with this observation. For now, it is simply something I have noticed.